To the Customers-

Dear ridiculous customers (namely from this morning),

OH MY GOD. You are so right. You totally should get a free refill of in house coffee when you bought a TO GO drink, a TO GO LATTE, 45 minutes ago. I mean, who am I to say no to you? You who only want a free drink, a free drink of something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU PAID FOR. I guess when I go in to a bar, any bar, I should order a cocktail, maybe a long island ice tea during happy hour, and then get pissed when I ask for a FREE REFILL OF BEER!!! OMG, I mean, why would the bartender give me a crazy look? I totally just bought like a 5 dollar cocktail, didn't tip him at all, and now all I want is what I have coming to me, a free beer in my cup! Why is that SO CRAZY!?!?! oh wait.. YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY!!!

And yes, mam, and other mam who have repeatedly told me to list the soups of the day in a conspicuous location, your right, I have NEVER EVER thought of posting the soups so you can read them! Oh my GOD! How could I have over looked something so simple? I AM, of course then one who runs EVERYTHING in this coffee shop/cafe, and I am totally in control on sign-age! ALL SIGNS ARE MINE TO COMMAND AND CONTROL! So wipe that stupid "I told you so look on your face, slow down for three minutes and wait for me to tell you what the soups are. Oh I'm sorry... are you in a rush to be a HUGE BITCH someplace else right now? You have someplace else to be where you can tell people how to run their business and sign things correctly, and then leave a "tip" aka writing "get a real job" on a piece of paper and sticking it in the tip jar like a totally troll?? Oh, don't make me stop you from taking your ripe old attitude someone else. You must pee in sparkles and shit out diamonds or something.

And excuse me, creepy old man... yeah, I actually do remember your name, but I refuse to let you think I care what it is, so I will act like you don't come in every morning and look me over with your greasy glass eye and 3-tooth mouth. You disgust me, and totally, Totally creep me out, so expect NOTHING out of me, especially me to say your name when you walk in... eeehk! SICK. Just take your small coffee and sicko comments and .25 cent tip someplace else. NOT WORTH IT.

Oh, HEY! You!! Couple who buys a fuckload of food, and 3 espresso drinks to go for your friends. Yeah, go a head! Pay for everyone of your friends drinks because "You can afford it" and then totally bitch out on the tip! Wow.... really 25-30 dollars in product and no tip?? Why not just stay at home, since you say "Oh, we got it. We got a huge bonus at work this week..." but CLEARLY YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT IF YOU DON'T TIP. Seriously.

Fuck you and your high and mighty attitude.

OH YEAH!!! And an especially big FUCK OFF to the little bitch-man I overheard saying "I never tip. If theyy want money, they should get a real job..." OH YEAH!!! You're right, I totally went to college, and graduated salutatorian so I could be constantly blue-balled in tips by cheap pricks like you. THIS IS THE REAL JOB THAT THIS WONDERFUL SYSTEM HAS GIVEN ME. Maybe you forgot than this is Portland, and more than half the people waiting on you are severely more educated than you are. Yes, I said severely. That is how uneducated you are. WHAT OTHER JOBS ARE THEIR? Do you have a "real job" opportunity waiting to hand out to anyone? Newspapers are shutting down, schools are cutting art and literacy programs left and right, so really, truly, if there is a "real job" a "Liberal Arts degree can get you now a days, please point me in the right direction. However you being a cold prick about tipping doesn't help me pay my rent. So just get the fuck out, and keep your tight-ass comments to yourself. Please.

I have the right to refuse service to anyone. And guess what? You keep up this attitude, and I WILL.

Coffee at Home

So, now that this economy has backslided, thanks to the media, many a couple are enjoying their morning coffee at home, instead of out at the Cafe. Which suck for us, and our tip jar. However, now that my love and I have moved deeper south into a home of our own, I see the magic of coffee in the morning. Also, my cafe and free drinks are no longer a block away. Now that we are on the topic of my new place, thanks for asking, I would like to delve into the topic of being an adult.

So the other day, Gabe and I were buying a rug. Well, we were deciding what kind of rug would really tie the room together, and ended up buying some wine, when I realized... this is it. This is being an adult in an adult relationship. Buying wine and asking about rugs. No more smuggeling wine coolers under our coats and buying menthols. (That is so High School)

Now I just need to find my french press...

Here I Sit

Much of this blog has been about complaining. Ok, mostly all of it. However, after talking to one of my good friends, I decided to take a more intellectual approach, when I feel like it, and not focus so much on the things I hate about the coffee shop atmosphere (namely rude customers) but to expand beyond that tiny corner of reality, and see how one small incident could possibly impact a larger existence. And if I observe the people deep enough, insights of human nature will abound.
So, this is a new quest. One I hope to follow closely and comment on regularly.

As a dear customer-friend stated yesterday (with a wink and a smile): "You are, after all, only a barista Claire. Don't forget that."
I hope to rise above that somewhat derogatory term, and do something important with my life. Impactful like a short poem. Some Dickinson, or the red wheel barrow, or whathaveyou. Maybe the Invisibles.


If I think of something, I will let you know.

Latte Season

Because it's raining... almost constantly.
People are sick, getting sick, will be sick very soon.
So Tea is on the rise
But Milk too
for those who can stomach the lactose and sugar
and succumb to a heartthrob by the fire.
Delicious, delicious heartthrob

AKA the heart attack I gave a customer today by serving her 16 oz of half and half mixed with sweet and condensed milk. I literally felt like I was giving her the gun... or the knife for a more slow and painful death... she didn't need those 2000 extra calories from that drink, believe me.
Sometimes I feel bad serving those people who could really be spending their 5 dollars on heart healthy spinach. Or some fruit. Something less fattening than their ass, which happens to be pointing in every direction at once. (HAhaha! Your mama jokes pouring from my ears)

WORK OUT!!!!

Is this legal?

OK, it's time to get real and talk about tipping.
(You = customers who don't tip)
1. You always, ALWAYS tip when you have a child (see number 5 for further info)
2. You always, ALWAYS tip when you are buying more than one espresso drink. I think the company credit card has room for a few more dollars that aren't yours to spend, especially when you are thanking someone for making a drink that will probably get you that promotion you've been wanting for a while. If one more bank calls in an order for 10 detailed espresso drinks, pays with the company card, and doesn't write in a tip, I WILL. Just because that is totally rude of you not to.
3. You always tip when you order sandwiches. They cost more, and take more time. You are in a cafe restaurant, and so you should tip like you are in a restaurant.
4. You always tip when I am nice to you. ALWAYS. Bartenders get a dollar a drink, and do less work, and deal with better people. I should get at least that.
5. You always tip when you have kids!!!! ALWAYS! I don't care if they are expensive! It's a pain in my ass cleaning up after them since you refuse to do your motherly/fatherly duty! DO IT!!!!!
6. You should just always tip. ALWAYS.
Maybe you don't realize that our "living wage" is poverty level, and the only way I can actually afford to live, is on the tips I get from the general public. Believe it or not, we don't have benefits or insurance, or anything employed people usually take for granted, so any expenses (medical or otherwise) come directly from our pockets. Yes, it's true. SO remember that, the people you miff everyday need your help.
That is all.

Why So Negative?

Okay, I admit it... I have done noting but complain about things on this blog. It's true. Sometimes, venting can end up as a positive thing, help me organize my thoughts, feelings, etc. However, being this negative all the time has made me feel... unhappy to say the least. No one wants to hang out with a negative Nancy, and if I let these "venting sessions" poison the rest of my thoughts, and extend into my real world... well then that negates the therapy of venting on line. Am I right?

Anyway, after this very, VERY hectic weekend of baristaing for probably 1000 people, I decided I can't let other people's bad attitudes, decisions, or lack of work ethic bother as much as I have been letting it. Also, I can't complain about things out loud, especially at work, because I have a pretty loud voice that projects through walls that I can't see around. I am sorry. Sometimes I get frustrated and just blurt it all out, don't think, and have no filter... oops! In that respect, I can be pretty dumb at work. I suppose I think no one else is listening to me, except for the person I am talking to directly. That is untrue. A lot of people are listening, customers especially, and I got caught talking about one.....

Eeeee!

Lets not have that happen again.

Anyway, I also realized that while some people are trying to legitimize this type of business, I am just bitching about it (which sometimes is needed for sanity, but in the right way). So, what is the solution? I will try to be more productive in my critique of all that is coffee people, and just let it sit on the page... so as to offend only the few who don't understand thereputic sarcasm.

Why?

Sometimes I feel like... what's the point of doing this if no one is going to read it or comment on my thoughts. It's like I am just putting these comments out there and nothing is gettting done... I suppose that is true, that complaining leads to nothing, but I thought maybe someone would say "Hey! That happened to me one time!" or
"Hey! I hate that too!" or
"Hey! You are so hilarious!"

That is all.

It's My Friday!

Like most people in the service industry, my "weekends" fall right in the middle of the week. Monday happens to be my Friday, which is nice for me (a break from all the crazy's I dealt with on Saturday and Sunday) but unfortunate for.... oh, everyone else I know? I rarely have days off with my friends, since we all work opposite schedules, so here I am... alone in a bar on my Friday night, writing on my computer....
WOW....
It's okay, you can say it...
NERD ALERT!
okay, I have been sufficiently told. Thank you.
I also seem to be drinking something with coconut rum in it, when I specified "The Uze" aka a vodka tonic. This is already an interesting night.

I am going to take a break from my usual bitching about my nitwit customers (Okay, who are we kidding, I will probably bitch a little bit about someone...) to touch on a different subject:
me being a customer. There are a few things I have already noticed about the server/customer relationship when reversed.
First of all: I look better as a customer. Case in point, I walked in to my shop a good 4 hours after my shift had ended today. I had showered, put on make-up, a push-up bra, and done my hair. People were shocked! I was "unrecognizable from this morning" commented one customer; and a regular said, "It's so strange to not see you in black! I said, who are you?"
Well, thank you! I like to know that my work appearance can be easily discarded and replaced by the hot me that goes out on Sexy Monday nights... and maybe won't be recognized as "That coffee girl"... ? (Yes, it is a question)
Second: I want people to be nice to me when I walk in.
I frequent this said bar that I am currently sitting at, and I really like it when a few certain people are working, Namely because they pour my drink as I walk in. Also, they smile at me and say "Hey What's up" as if they really mean it. I bullshit all day long! The least someone else could bullshit for me when I walk up to the counter.... Am I wrong?
(Ahh! Wierd coconut flavor!)
Third: I like attention.
Possibly a given on why I don't like strippers unless I am on stage, BUT, if I am at a restaurant and it takes me 45 minutes to order food, and not get that food for 30 more minutes.... why am I there? If I am at a table with an empty drink and water glass and there are less that 10 people in the place, there is no reason I should be ignored. NONE.
Example, Karaoke waitress 2 and 3 make me not want to go back. I love you Kimmy! but unfortunately, your co workers refuse to get my friends and I drinks on any sort of regular basis. They also don't give me change back from a 20 on am 11 dollar tab. ridiculous. I give people their change back even when they forget it. So fuck you for being so into yourself and your no giving drink ass to think I would tip you that much. Kimmy deserves it. You do not. EVER. Unless you change your ways and totally blow my mind with niceness. And also, don't make out (literally) with you sicko boyfriend on top of the bar. Bad form! I couldn't even tell she was out waitress until they unstuck each other and wiped their dirty mouths, while rolling their eyes, and she yelled "What do you guys want?" I kinda thought it was because I was staring at her tit half out of her shirt, but no, it was a legit question ment to be "What can I get for you?"

Woah... sorry about that rant... I just got hung up on that situation. No thanks to this wierd drink I am trying to ingest. I should go talk to someone about this.....

HOT

Wow... thanks heat wave! It's been so hot recently, I don't even have the energy to bitch and moan about bad tips, messy customers, new people, and shitty old people. Let these few excerpts from work give you an idea:
Friday: 5 to go sandwiches with salad and pickles. Total: $37.00 Tip: ZERO
Saturday: 6 drinks, 7 pastries, 2 sandwiches, NO TIP.
Sunday: "What is this, a fucking zoo!" (as I pick up three dismantled NY Times which have been spread around the entire left side of the cafe, as well as napkins littering the floor.)
Monday: 5 drinks, 6 pastries, 3 kids, $0.25 tip.... but they cleaned up after them selves.. THANK YOU!

Tuesday and Wednesday, the hottest days of the week I had off, thank God. Those days, I spent jumping fromone airconditioned store to the next, and then an entire day at the beach with my favorite person in the entire world, Gabriel Rodriguez, aka sexiest boyfriend ever. I would say that day was my saving grace, since I was about to go AWOL at work and seriously tell customers just how rude they were being. But, as always, my love can see beyond the heatsoaked now and center me in reality. Where I run on emotion, he runs on logic, which means perfect balance of conversation at a day at the beach. Obviously I needed this detox day because the heat was poisoning my brain.

Yesterday (Thursday) consisted mostly of a.) sweating it out at work and b.) movie theaters.
I watched four movies yesterday. Two at the theater, two at home.. wait two and 1/2 at home...
Anyway, needless to say the heat has been affecting all of us. Some mentally, some physically, mostly both for me. But today is so nice out, maybe I can have another refreshing day at the beach tomorrow, after I work. We will see!

The Other One

A few days ago, I decided to visit another neighborhood coffee shop. This place, about 6 blocks from my house, has been highly reviewed in local bakery/coffee publications, and one of the baristas who works there came into my coffee shop the other day telling us about their delicious breakfast sandwiches, and suggested we visit sometime. So I did.

As I walked in, I noticed how much smaller the “bar” was then ours, but the menu was substantially larger. The inside café seating was slightly smaller than our place, but they make up for it by having an awesome “patio” which is basically a revamped parking lot with picnic tables shaded with giant white umbrellas, and a few potted plants and trees strewn about to make it look like a little cement garden. Very effective.
Their hand written menu was slightly cluttered, but at least all the prices and options were visible to the customer. In my opinion the prices where a bit weird ($2.10 for an Americano?) but I guess I am just used to our pricing system of everything on the quarter. I ordered my drink/ breakfast sandwich, and waited for my name to be called…

It was anti-climatic at best.

People say their coffee is so much better than ours, but, we use the same beans and my drink tastes the same weather I make it, a co-worker makes it, or this other place makes it. The breakfast sandwich was fine- an over medium egg with cheddar on homemade “muffin” bread- but nothing to write home about. The main thing about their place that I liked was their outdoor area. The picnic tables and umbrellas were inviting, as well as the various potted plants. Although there was a small amount of attitude emanating from ex-customers, I might just go back and try something else.

Straws

It amazes me how unobservant people are; either unobservant or just completely ignorant to the way a normal society functions. I mean, what possesses someone to have a cold drink and leave their sucked on straw in the dirty cup when they put their dishes in the dish bin. Is there not a trash can less that a foot away from the very place they are depositing their dirty dishes? Is it so hard to clean up after your self that you think someone else wants to touch your used napkins and straws? These are the people I have to deal with every day. People who are so lazy and out of touch with the common world that they leave their trash out on tables and stuck to dishes when there are clearly labeled areas for their said trash. Did these people all have maids when they were growing up? Do they even know how to clear a table? The thing is that I don’t work in a restaurant. I work in a coffee shop. If this were a restaurant you would be paying more, and not tipping someone else to do that job for you. This is a self-serve café, and if you can’t act like a developed human being and throw your own trash away, you should just stay at home and wallow in your own filth and leave the world to responsible, cleanly people.

Now that those thoughts are off my chest….

Morning Latte

It’s Monday for me too
I also had a long weekend
a hangover
or break up
and need a triple, no, a quad shot
in my usual latte
I too need that friendly smile

But, I have to stay here
Behind the counter
And hear all your stories
everyone else
more important than me.
You get to leave
get on with your day
With a triple
quad
mocha or latte
But the barista stays here,
That’s me.

Welcome

"And what do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a Barista."

"... a what?"


Barista. The unknown titles bestowed on a plethora of Portland 20-somethings, that many 40-somethings know nothing about, and yet... these 40-somethings owe their very caffeinated existence to us.
What is a barista? A barista is your best friend. Your neighbor. Your ally and secret lover. Your dream girl and your perfect nightmare... We control your vertical and horizontal. Please us, and be pleased. Cross us, and watch out. We have the power to turn your day into sunshine, or rain. We make your coffee perfect, every time. Even when you complain.

According to the "widely respected" online dictionary Wikipedia, the word barista is derived from the Italian work for bartender. One may be called a "bariste" (feminine derivation) or "baristi" (male/ mixed sex derivation). Because English translations are, of course, always much better than the original language/ meaning or any word, "barista" has become the regular title of any man or woman working in a coffee house, or "cafe" as the non-American people would say (TIC;).
Now, also according to Wikipedia:
"Within certain circles, (the word barista) is expanding to include what might be called a "coffee sommelier" — a professional who is highly skilled in coffee preparation with a comprehensive understanding of coffee, coffee blends, espresso, quality, coffee varieties, roast degree, espresso equipment and maintenance."
This is especially true in Portland, where specialty coffee shops are abundant, and the only way to corner the market is to have the most informed and well-trained employees/owners around. The name barista is also the title of a very special, special coffee shop in NW Portland, owned by Barista Champion Billy... something... (I mean, none of my customers know my last name, sometimes not even my first name...) Suffice to say, a barista is your morning/afternoon experience... and we demand RESPECT! (I'm sorry, I yelled... but it's true)

As I said before, we are your best friend or your worst nightmare. At a whim, I can decide to give you decaf... and then where will you be? Pissed of and unable to work in your 4x4 cubicle while your boss is saying "Actually, I need those reports from the week after/before the ones you already turned in.. so... yeah".
or
"Here's the deal, Marcy, your just not performing up to the standards of Kibblescrub Productions... so I am going to have to ask you to come in on Saturday to make up for your malfeasance during the past three weeks."
and all the time you are wondering: Why the Hell do I have this raging headache and can't seem to control my bodily functions?
Answer: You didn't tip me/ gave me hella attitude on your way to work.
Solution: Don't do it again.

Look, I get it. It's Monday/Tuesday/Friday/any day of the week you use as an excuse, and you had a tough night... not getting laid, kids yelling at you, your wife found out about your mistress... your boyfriend went to Silverado and ignored you... your other boyfriend found out about your wife... your significant other made pork for dinner last night, which you hate.... I get it. You need your coffee/ a swift kick in the ass. But! did you ever stop to think that maybe... it's Monday for me too? That maybe I had a fight with my boy/girl friend? That I only got laid twice yesterday? That, maybe, you're not the only one who exists in this world? That maybe I want someone to ask how I am doing today, and make me a fucking latte?
No? That never crossed your mind?

Well, maybe it should.